On Long Distance Relationships

Okay, I'm feeling meditative today so we're going to have a talk. People who know me in real life (all zero of you) know that I am in a long term, long distance relationship. What people who discover this the first time don't know is what it entails or how to talk to me about it. I'd like to get some stuff out there.

First, he's not in the military. It would actually be easier in one ways if he were in the military because people understand that. However, it would also result in the risk of death and the lack of an end point. Really, I'm glad he's not in the military. It's hard for me to know how much to talk to military spouses about it without coming off as whiny. I mean, I get the "I haven't seen him in a year and don't know when I will again!" thing. M came for his last visit over the holidays last year, I haven't seen him since right after Valentine's day 2009. Astute readers may realize that as of this posting it's 2 weeks until Valentine's day 2010. So it's been awhile. I am hoping to visit him for 2 weeks come May if I can take the time off work, so that'll be nice. But yes, I see my fiance somewhere between 2 weeks and 3 months a year. Total. So I can always empathize with that part of the military wives thing, but I feel like if I try to empathize with them about anything they'll think I'm stealing their thunder so I just don't tell anyone about it because nobody really "gets" what this is all about.

Here's the deal. There are a few things I'd like everyone to know about a long distance relationship before they get into one or before they even get into a conversation about one.

Life Tips For a Long Distance Relationship
1. Accept that this could very likely turn into a long term thing. No matter what you think or how short you think this will last, odds are that something will come up to make this last longer than you planned. The economy might collapse or someone loses their job and can't move or there's a housing issue, or like us, immigration turns out to be way more opaque than you originally planned...and then the economy collapses. Thanks, economy!
2. You can't afford to get jealous. I'm just going to throw this one out there early on, because it is the number one killer of long distance relationships. I'll say it again. You cannot afford to get jealous. The thing about being long distance is that you physically cannot check up on your boyfriend/girlfriend. Just doesn't happen. If you're worrying that they're stepping out on you then you need to cut that shit out or break up with them. You have to be able to trust this person or there is absolutely no future unless the long distance part is shorter than, say, 3 months. Now, it goes without saying that obviously nobody should be betraying anyone's trust. The thing is, you have to reach a point where you just trust them because you love them and you have to and not because you're keeping tabs on them.
3. Geography sucks. Just go ahead and blame being miserable on whatever you can. Jobs, geography, the government. It really helps to have something you can mutually hate when things get hard.
4. Keep yourself busy. It's super easy when you're in a long distance relationship to get sucked into the computer all day every day just waiting for the other person to get on AIM so you can chat or to hang out by the phone or whatever. Frankly, fuck that. It you're making this the epicenter of your world then you're going to have a lot of adjusting to do when you are together. You're also going to burn out a lot faster than if you maintain a life outside of each other. The best thing about long distance is that it gives you time and space to do your own thing and have your own space. If neither of you is doing anything, there's nothing wrong with hanging out, but you should both make attempts to have other things going on. It also helps distract from the loneliness. Speaking of...
5. You will be lonely. It's just a fact of life, really. You have to accept that and be strong in the face of it. Having a regular date with Rosie Palms doesn't hurt either, if you get what I'm saying. But then, this goes back to #2. If you're the kind of person who thinks that masturbation (or to a lesser extent, porn) is cheating then this is not the relationship for you. There will be masturbation.
6. People will ask you stupid questions. All the above stuff? Yeah, you'll get asked about it. Also: How did you meet? Do you love them? Are you moving there? Are you getting married? When did you meet? It's a good idea to have your answers prepared because you feel like a total loser if you stutter over a question for awhile and sometimes something snappy sounds better. They mean well and they don't realize that everyone asks you the exact same questions, but I know it gets annoying the third time.
7. Have a game plan. Speaking of getting married, are you? If immigration is a factor, do you know what you need to have in order (hint: photos, videos, love letters, chat transcripts, gifts, plane tickets? All useful)? Who's moving where? When? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with this person? Are you both willing to go to couples therapy to ease the transition from long distance into togetherness?
8. You love each other. If you didn't, you wouldn't be doing this. Be glad! I actually think one of the best things to happen to us is our distance. It's been a trial by fire, but if we can handle the last 4 years (sidenote: There is no way it's already been 4 years. I refuse to believe that) then we've definitely got something here.

Excuses, excuses...

Alright, so I totally have posts planned! Good posts! Lots of posts! My problems are twofold:
1. I am ill. My mother got something or another which seems to have migrated into pneumonia. I managed to contract whatever she had before the pneumonia which mostly just makes me want to be asleep all the time. Instead, I had a project at work with a super tight deadline so I've been skipping classes to sleep so I can finish my deadline. That is now met.
2. Classes. Holy shit, I have a lot of classes! I had to skip 3 of them this week due to illness, but the one class I did not miss was chemistry. Unfortunately, I hate chemistry. I hate it with a firey passion. Well, that's not fair. I actually really like chemistry. I'm a chem major. I just hate this particular chemistry class which I unfortunately need for my major. This is the worst professor ever (more on that later, I suspect strongly there will be more about it come Tuesday when I'll be stuck in the class again) and I can't drop the class without postponing my graduation for a full semester. I am therefore stuck in an incredibly remedial class that feels like having my teeth pulled for 3 hours nightly twice a week. I would honestly rather go to the dentist AND the OB/GYN to be lectured about my hygiene twice a week. That is how bad it is.

Anyway, I just hate to not post because I'm enjoying it so much so I figured I'd come make my excuses to the interwebz.

Assuming I don't come down with pneumonia to match my mother, I'm planning to FINALLY hit the gym on Tuesday. I know, I've only been saying that for what, 2 weeks now?

Oh and Operation: Eat Less Meat has so far been successful. I managed to avoid meat for a week. I finally ate some last night in a lasagna because I was sick and didn't feel like making my own damn dinner.

Who wants to be a vegetarian?!

Right, so I think I want to become a vegetarian. In my current situation, straight up vegginess is impractical at best. I'm still living at home, money is tight and there's only one kitchen. If I'm going to eat with everyone else, I can't very well be all "Hey mom! I'm never eating meat again! Can you make something?!" and since there's only one kitchen, I can't exactly make my own food around meal times. Consequently, I'm thinking until I get relocated I'm going to be off meat that's not part of a pre-prepared meal that someone else prepared. I figure if it's just burgers, it's not too hard to grill up a shiitake mushroom cap instead, but spaghetti is a whole other thing.

This way, at least I'm going to be cutting my meat down to pretty low. My problem is that I strongly suspect I have EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, it's basically disordered eating that's not anorexia or bulimia) and I'm fairly worried that I'll turn this into some crazy behavior. Also, with school and everything I'm out of the house approximate 12-13 hours a day, so I don't have a lot of time to eat and if I'm down to veggies and grains, I'm running the serious risk of not eating enough calories. To compensate, I'm thinking 4 meals a day is probably a good idea. I'm also trying to work out some menus so I don't have to think too much about my food on days when I'm busy.

I don't know why, but yesterday suddenly it felt like a good idea to just stop. I came up with the idea of Greek salads for dinner, crudite and boiled eggs for lunch, and pasta for second dinner. For breakfast, I tend to do best with meal replacement shakes just because I can eat them in the car. Of course, I followed up this revelation by going to the coffee shop to get a pastry for dinner and realizing they sold Chik-Fil-A sandwiches, so I had one of those. But I use the excuse that the only thing I'd eaten yesterday before that was a breakfast shake, soooo yeah.

Anyway, I actually have to cut this short. I was having breathing trouble and had to hit the inhaler and now I'm getting shakey and just not good. Albuterol is horrible, but it's still better than slowly suffocating I guess.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

So, good news/bad news.

Good news: I went to the gym today!
Bad news: I can't use the gym until at least Thursday because they couldn't get my car printed out. Soooo Friday evening now is my official exercise start date. I left my gym bag in the car, at least, so I've got that going for me.

It was kind of funny, because I actually DID want to go to the gym today. Well, I didn't want to go deal with everything, but I was resigned to it and not trying to get out of it for once.

Instead of going to the gym, I'm attempting to make a list of workout music I can stick on my iPod.

Here's what I got so far:
I Believe in a Thing Called Love -- The Darkness
Stronger -- Kanye West
Bad Romance -- Lady Gaga
Paparazzi -- Lady Gaga
Womanizer -- Britney Spears
Circus -- Britney Spears
Here It Goes Again -- Ok Go
Walla Walla -- The Offspring
I Want You Bad -- The Offspring
The Kids Aren't Alright -- The Offspring
Mayday -- The Flobots
Love Me Dead -- Ludo
Awaken -- Disturbed
Ten Thousand Fists -- Disturbed
Stricken -- Disturbed
Firefly -- Breaking Benjamin
Home -- Breaking Benjamin
Water -- Breaking Benjamin
Hypnotize -- System of a Down
Cowboy Casanova -- Carrie Underwood
Dance Dance -- Fall Out Boy
Sugar We're Going Down -- Fall Out Boy
Breaking The Habit -- Lynkyn Park

Wow, that was a quick and easy blog entry, huh?

Last Night of Freedom

Well, this is my last night of freedom before classes start back up. To celebrate, I got myself Chinese take-out, a bottle of Pepsi, and a pint of strawberry sorbet. I also finally got my rental car from the insurance agency, so I am hell on wheels again.

So, how does a rockin' hot 20-something in the city with a pocket full of cash and a car spend her last free night? Why, she spends it playing video games, watching Criminal Minds, reading her old journal from middle school (it's kind of exactly like when you wake up after a bender and see a video of yourself the night before and you have no idea why you thought you were so funny or clever or talented)! Why? What did you expect?

Anyway, right now my big issue is that I really want to start exercising tomorrow. I am like, 90% sure I have free access to a gym as part of my tuition, I just have to bother to go get my school ID and I can do it. It will be no change in routine, I'll just have to go to the gym instead off class twice a week. But I am really worried that I'm not going to do it.

See, the thing about me is that I'm kind of a slack ass. I really am. If you give me any excuse to not do something, I won't do it. That's just how I roll, yo.

So anyway, here is my official proclamation:
Barring anything unreasonable intervening, I have every intention of going to the gym tomorrow. If I do not go, it will be because I am a lazy, lazy person and no other reason.

I also really need to figure out what I want to do once I get to the gym.

Seriously, how long are you supposed to run or lift weights or whatever it is people do there?

Book One: The Age of Innocence

Right, so I meant to do this post yesterday but then instead I bought Professor Layton and the Curious Village for the Nintendo DS and if you've ever played that game, you know exactly what I'm talking about and I need not say more.

Anyway, on late Saturday or early Sunday I finally finished reading The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton, which was my first book finished this year (in all fairness, I started reading it last year but then joined a book club and it got put at the end of the list).

The following review may contain spoilers, but this book is 90 years old. If you have not read it by now it is more or less fair game for spoilers.

I really think I am glad that I took the time to think about this before I posted a review of it. When I first read it, I was kind of confused and disappointed. Having taken a few days to ponder it (and solve word problems for fun), I've come to the conclusion that it's one of a certain genre of books that are better with an unhappy ending.

There, I came out and said it, but you know it's true. Sometimes, stories are better when the ending is bittersweet, because there is no way that the characters could be happy in their situations, like Great Expectations. You know what kind of books I'm talking about.

Anyway, I spent the entire book hoping that Newland wouldn't leave May to try to run off with Ellen, because I knew that running wouldn't solve the problem. His bigger problem was that he lived in the time he lived in. Running away wouldn't have made his life any better, and Ellen was right to leave when she did.

But by that same token, I was really bummed when he refused to go visit her in Paris and sat outside instead, because at that point there was no reason he couldn't go to her. But I thought about it, though. He couldn't go in, because going in would have ruined his fantasy. At that point, it was more about what she represented to him than it was about her anymore, and he knew that going inside would destroy that fantasy.

It was also unusual how much I really liked Newland, though. I liked everyone, which always makes a book better.

In which we discuss the purpose of a personal motto...

(Fake editor's note: I just finished reading my first book of the year and it may come as a shock to know that said book was set in New York in the late 1800s, any peculiarities in my grammar and vocabulary at the moment can be attributed to the fact that I am, indeed, a damn dirty imitator when it comes to lingual patterns and tend to pick these things up easily. My apologies and more on that book in my next post.)

Right, so I really truly believe that a well rounded person requires some variety of personal motto or words to live by. These can be obtained from a variety of sources, really. Mine come from the internet, TV shows, and music. But I do feel fairly strongly on the matter.

I'm sure I have multiple reasons for feeling this way, but the one that I can pin down right now as being of particular importance is that I feel that having a motto or three gives you some kind of focus in your life, so that when things get difficult you have a single point of focus to get you through it. Wow that was a long sentence. I actually have 4 personal mottoes, all of which provide something different to me (two are actually retorts, but I love them desperately).

1. "Nothing in this world that is worth having comes easy." This I actually stole from an episode of Scrubs. I can't remember the name, but here's the video of it happening on YouTube. However, the concept itself goes back at least to one of the trials of Hercules (I forget which one) wherein he is given the choice to either take a long, winding, easy path which may or my not lead toward his ultimate goal (I forget what that was) or an incredibly difficult, but ultimately shorter, path that would lead directly to whatever the fuck it was he was after. I think one of the women who was offering to guide him was named Work or Virtue. If I could remember a damn thing about the story beyond that very basic outline, I would probably start attributing that quote to it instead of to a TV show because I always feel kind of shallow when attributing life changing quotes to comedy television shows.
2. "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future." This one becomes hilariously rerouted, similarly to the Hercules to Scrubs quote. I think it may be an Oscar Wilde quote, but I actually got it from a song by the band Ludo. It's repeated nearly constantly in the song "Topeka" off the CD "You're Awful, I Love You." Good quote, though! And fortunately, Ludo is still obscure enough that even if I were stealing it from them nobody would catch me.
3. "I guess I'm not your kind of lady." Similar to quote #2 in that I totally stole it from a song, but it was probably originally said by an actual person. The full line is from the song "Anne Braden" by The Flobots, which is the story of a real life white civil rights activist from Mississippi in the 50s. In the song, Anne and a group of other white women have been arrested when trying to talk to the governor of Mississippi about Willie McGee and then...

Then from her cell she heard her jailers
Grumbling about outsiders
And when she called him out
And said she was from the south they shouted
"Why is a nice southern lady
Making trouble for the governor?"
She said, "I guess I'm not your type of lady
And I guess I'm not your type of southerner.
But before you call me traitor
Well it's plainest just to say
I was a child in Mississippi
But I'm ashamed of it today."

It's pretty safe to say that I fucking LOVE that song. Seriously. Regardless, I find the particular line I referenced above to be a great catch-all retort when someone accuses me of not being ladylike or some shit. I have no idea if the Flotbots' account account of what happened is accurate (the internet has failed me!) but the song is obscure enough that I don't feel like a total corporate whore.
4. "Go 'head and hate on me hater." This is another song one (noticing a theme here?). It's called "Hate On Me" and is originally sung by Jill Scott, however, I actually heard it the first time on an episode of Glee (outstanding). It usually fits as a retort in all situations that #3 does not cover. Let's face facts, I'm kind of a bitch. I find it to be quite useful to acknowledge that if someone isn't going to like you, let them go the fuck ahead and not like you. I got shit to do, and trying to win over someone who doesn't want to like me isn't high on my list.

Assuming I have any readers at this point, I'd love to hear what he or she thinks on the subject or any other good mottoes to keep in mind.