On Long Distance Relationships

Okay, I'm feeling meditative today so we're going to have a talk. People who know me in real life (all zero of you) know that I am in a long term, long distance relationship. What people who discover this the first time don't know is what it entails or how to talk to me about it. I'd like to get some stuff out there.

First, he's not in the military. It would actually be easier in one ways if he were in the military because people understand that. However, it would also result in the risk of death and the lack of an end point. Really, I'm glad he's not in the military. It's hard for me to know how much to talk to military spouses about it without coming off as whiny. I mean, I get the "I haven't seen him in a year and don't know when I will again!" thing. M came for his last visit over the holidays last year, I haven't seen him since right after Valentine's day 2009. Astute readers may realize that as of this posting it's 2 weeks until Valentine's day 2010. So it's been awhile. I am hoping to visit him for 2 weeks come May if I can take the time off work, so that'll be nice. But yes, I see my fiance somewhere between 2 weeks and 3 months a year. Total. So I can always empathize with that part of the military wives thing, but I feel like if I try to empathize with them about anything they'll think I'm stealing their thunder so I just don't tell anyone about it because nobody really "gets" what this is all about.

Here's the deal. There are a few things I'd like everyone to know about a long distance relationship before they get into one or before they even get into a conversation about one.

Life Tips For a Long Distance Relationship
1. Accept that this could very likely turn into a long term thing. No matter what you think or how short you think this will last, odds are that something will come up to make this last longer than you planned. The economy might collapse or someone loses their job and can't move or there's a housing issue, or like us, immigration turns out to be way more opaque than you originally planned...and then the economy collapses. Thanks, economy!
2. You can't afford to get jealous. I'm just going to throw this one out there early on, because it is the number one killer of long distance relationships. I'll say it again. You cannot afford to get jealous. The thing about being long distance is that you physically cannot check up on your boyfriend/girlfriend. Just doesn't happen. If you're worrying that they're stepping out on you then you need to cut that shit out or break up with them. You have to be able to trust this person or there is absolutely no future unless the long distance part is shorter than, say, 3 months. Now, it goes without saying that obviously nobody should be betraying anyone's trust. The thing is, you have to reach a point where you just trust them because you love them and you have to and not because you're keeping tabs on them.
3. Geography sucks. Just go ahead and blame being miserable on whatever you can. Jobs, geography, the government. It really helps to have something you can mutually hate when things get hard.
4. Keep yourself busy. It's super easy when you're in a long distance relationship to get sucked into the computer all day every day just waiting for the other person to get on AIM so you can chat or to hang out by the phone or whatever. Frankly, fuck that. It you're making this the epicenter of your world then you're going to have a lot of adjusting to do when you are together. You're also going to burn out a lot faster than if you maintain a life outside of each other. The best thing about long distance is that it gives you time and space to do your own thing and have your own space. If neither of you is doing anything, there's nothing wrong with hanging out, but you should both make attempts to have other things going on. It also helps distract from the loneliness. Speaking of...
5. You will be lonely. It's just a fact of life, really. You have to accept that and be strong in the face of it. Having a regular date with Rosie Palms doesn't hurt either, if you get what I'm saying. But then, this goes back to #2. If you're the kind of person who thinks that masturbation (or to a lesser extent, porn) is cheating then this is not the relationship for you. There will be masturbation.
6. People will ask you stupid questions. All the above stuff? Yeah, you'll get asked about it. Also: How did you meet? Do you love them? Are you moving there? Are you getting married? When did you meet? It's a good idea to have your answers prepared because you feel like a total loser if you stutter over a question for awhile and sometimes something snappy sounds better. They mean well and they don't realize that everyone asks you the exact same questions, but I know it gets annoying the third time.
7. Have a game plan. Speaking of getting married, are you? If immigration is a factor, do you know what you need to have in order (hint: photos, videos, love letters, chat transcripts, gifts, plane tickets? All useful)? Who's moving where? When? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with this person? Are you both willing to go to couples therapy to ease the transition from long distance into togetherness?
8. You love each other. If you didn't, you wouldn't be doing this. Be glad! I actually think one of the best things to happen to us is our distance. It's been a trial by fire, but if we can handle the last 4 years (sidenote: There is no way it's already been 4 years. I refuse to believe that) then we've definitely got something here.